Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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