if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's the barista slut.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
