And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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