you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
