saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
