i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
