I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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