Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
