u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
