I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
