You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
