don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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