I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
