I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
