if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
