After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
