Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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