A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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