theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
True college students do jello shots in the library
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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