You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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