if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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