new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
