Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is Oprah even human
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
