I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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