Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
