Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
