Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
