What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
