I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A+ Viking dick
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
