so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
