just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
