Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
