That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
