No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
