Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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