dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
