I'm laying in your front yard are you home
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
