I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
