first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
farters have to be the big spoon...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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