Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
