I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
