I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
