Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
