I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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