That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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