Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
