how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
