Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She made me pour olive oil on her.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
