I wish I only lived at night.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
