Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
