woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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