Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
